Aries v. Astrologer

As my trusty sidekick was off making the world safe for democracy, and my valiant hound was off making my parents’ back yard safe from an impending squirrel invasion, I was off with a friend, “Paul” (his real name), getting accosted by a drunken astrologer in that venerable San Francisco institution, the Gold Dust Lounge.

Drunken Astrologer seemed to feel that his first duty to humanity was to keep the world safe from the peaceful enjoyment of an after-work beer. However, as neither “Paul” nor I had worked that day, and as we were both determined to enjoy a beer at any cost, Drunken Astrologer was only marginally successful.

Anyway, upon learning I was both a mother and an Aries, Drunken Astrologer’s face fell.

“Oh,” he said, visibly disappointed, but struggling heroically to smile and be nice. “You’re not very nurturing.”

Oh yeah?! Nurture this, f---er!

Wait, that wasn’t a particularly motherly response, was it?

Hm. I may have to work on that. Also, I don’t believe that New Age-y types should drink – they get mean.

On another note, I have received some submissions from loyal readers (you know who you are) to enhance our list of jargon to avoid. I’m going to leave the submission window open a little longer so those of you who have not contributed (we all know who you are) can have the opportunity to be included – honored, really – on this, your favorite blog.

Later beautiful people.
P.

Synergy my ass!

This is a rant against jargon, a manifesto against the bureaucratese and in-speak that obscures, excludes and confuses, and in the end leaves readers scratching their heads, feeling stupid and throwing up their hands in defeat, all while not actually saying anything.

Down with jargon, I say! Down with the tyranny of sentences like this one:

"Rather, it is an attempt to provide the energy necessary to create the synergy that will create the ultimate solution."

I'm sure you're asking the same question I did -- "What the fuck?!"

Exactly.

And the sad thing is, that sentence, and all these examples, have been taken from real life. People actually talk and write this way. Why? Why? I can't understand them, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Well, I say no more! I'm taking a stand. Let me just tell you what I will not do.

I will not "leverage" anything. Why? Because "leverage" is a noun. A person, place or thing. You can have leverage, but you damn well can't turn it into a verb. Who the hell do you think you are, anyway?

I will not "physically and programmatically co-locate" anything. I may put some things together, but there will be no "co-locating" on my watch, physical, programmatical or otherwise.

I will not employ "best practices" of any kind. You can't make me, so don't even try it.

I will not do anything "going forward." I may do things from now on. I may do things in the future. I may even do both. But I will not do them going forward.

And I most certainly will not be "proactive" about anything. Seriously, are you kidding me? For fuck's sake.

I know many of you out there in blogland feel my pain. (Just wait until I get started on cliches.) And so, I solicit your additions to this list. What won't you do? Let me know, and I'll post a follow-up, so we can commiserate.

Now, raise your hand if the word "Luddite" makes you think of someone with a giant ass.

PLooPeRS

Alright, I realize it's been a while since I posted last, and my 3-4 loyal fans are probably getting a little miffed at having to wait so long between insightful musings, but I have been hard at work relandscaping the American political, um, landscape. Mowing the American political lawn? Pruning the American political shrubbery? You get the idea.

I'm soooo busy at work that I was able to spend a good portion of my morning chatting over gmail with my crusading reporter friend in the eastlands. Said friend, whom we'll call Hank, was also soooo busy that he spent a good portion of his afternoon responding. ("Wait a minute," you say. "It was morning for you and afternoon for him? Wha-?" Ah, the miracles of the space-time continuum.)

Anyway, the chat turned to politics, as it is Ash Wednesday, the day after Super Fat Tuesday, and, well, long story short, there's a new political party in town. It's called PLooPeRS, and it's coming to a ballot box near you.

That's right, the Progressive Libertarian with a Personal Responsibility Streak (the "oo" and "e" are just for fun) was formed this very morning in a bicoastal effort to waste a little time. Our credo is best summed up by Hank, the Founding PLooPeRS Father and Head PLooPeRS Philosopher, who wrote:

"The borders should be relatively open, everyone should have healthcare, and gay people should get to do it and get married, but people who smoke cigarettes shouldn't get to sue when they get cancer."

We're taking back the White House in 2012, and if you're at all politically savvy or concerned about the upkeep of the American political garden, then you'll stand with us. Hank has dibs on president; I've secured the speechwriter job, and my valiant hound is the mascot, the Personal Responsibility Lab. She wears a cape. Also, Hank has appointed Bruce Springsteen the Secretary of Awesome.

So, really, you can't not join us. There's a dog in a cape, a Secretary of Awesome, and a haiku:

Responsible and
Libertarian am I
and Progressive too

What more could you ask for in a political party?

Judging from what's out there already, not much.

I'll be awaiting your contributions.