Featuring a Special Guest

It seems, my dear and loyal readers, that the "Synergy My Ass!" postings have struck a nerve. I have recently received more submissions from those poor souls held captive in meetings with people who are supposed to be running things but who are more adept at mangling things. To wit:

From Rachael: "Careerpathing." Yes, that's right. You no longer move down a career path; you now "careerpath." Bon voyage, loser.

And from my younger brother, whom some of you know as "Daniel," we have a special guest posting:

"#1. On-boarding. This is defined in Webster's Dictionary for Assholes as "the process of getting a new employee on-board." Not referring to a boat or train, but referring to "on-board" with the employer. This used to be referred to as "getting started," "training," or "introduction." These all proved to be too mundane for the modern business person, as is evident in the following excerpt from a real employee manual:

"Here at Assholes, Inc. our new employees get started with a six month training period where they learn the policies, processes and culture of Assholes, Inc. and are introduced to other employees. Assholes, Inc. - Quality Assholes Since 1936

Using the term "onboarding" really turns an old, stodgy sentence into a bleeding-edge, innovative, action-plan:

"Here at Assholes, Inc. our new employees go through a six month onboarding process where they are repeatedly onboarded...until it hurts."

Seriously, Google "onboarding." You'll be revolted.

#2. Touch-Point. I believe this is some sort of sexual harassment violation. I would feel dirty just saying it in front of a group of people. But, according to the presenter today, our company's application process for an hourly employee has 36 touch-points. Disgusting."

Please, dear readers, stand with me against such absurdities! We must mock our tormentors until they desist! Or until our spirits are crushed, and we have no choice but to succumb to the careerpathing and onboarding they are so quick to inflict.

Make it stop.

NaNoWriMo, Here I Come!

Yup. I've done it. I've gone and signed up for National Novel Writing Month. For those of you not in the novel-writing know, National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) is a novel-writing challenge that takes place each November. For the past 10 years or so, thousands of folks from around the world have signed up to write 50,000 words (each) in 30 days. Crazy? Maybe. Fun? Probably not.

Every year since I learned about it (sometime in the early 2000's -- 2001, let's say), I've been meaning to sign up. But writing a 50,000-word novel in 30 days is a daunting task, so every year since I learned about it, I've chickened out. Or totally forgotten.

This year is different. This year, I'm not afraid. This year, I'm going to write that damn novel, even if it is nothing but a plotless conglomeration of clichés, wooden characters and purple prose.

My plan is to transition directly from NaNoWriMo in November to NaNoEdMo (National Novel Editing Month) in December. As far as I know, NaNoEdMo doesn't exist, but if I don't set an editing deadline for myself, my shiny new 50,000-word novel will never be fit for humans to behold.

So there. I've told you all how I'm going to be spending my November and December, and you, my faithful and courageous readers, are welcome to join me in this endeavor, or at least to remind me, come November, that I'm supposed to be writing a novel.

Look out, literati!