Butt Like Me

Too much butt space is a breeding ground for personality cancer.

I know, I know, it’s a bold statement, but I stand by it, and I have the evidence to back it up.

While the study of the personality-butt relationship is still in its infancy, the general scientific consensus is that people with flat butts have serious personality flaws. The reason is simple: the butt is the repository of key personality traits necessary to function successfully in the world, and those with less storage space suffer. Of course, too much butt room can be detrimental, as we’ll discuss later.

Years of experience and observation have led me to the personality-butt conclusion. For example, I knew one young woman who looked like her legs went directly into her lower back and who was very rude to people not in her inner circle. Another such young woman was ditzy and had no work ethic. Coincidence? I think not.

On the other hand, as Hank, my crusading reporter friend in the eastlands, (whom you know as the founder of PlooPeRS) points out, Serena Williams must have an outstanding personality. The evidence bears this out – her success means she works hard, is determined and confident – all good traits, all butt-related.

Hank also pointed out that this theory has a serious weakness, and that is the disconnect between the “expanding American ass and the growing American jerkiness.”

However, one must recognize the limits of the personality-butt relationship. It doesn’t necessarily follow that the bigger the butt, the better the personality.

One can only have so much of the good butt traits, and if one’s butt gets too big, the extra space must be filled by something – and that usually turns out to be good butt traits that have mutated into something evil, or at the very least, obnoxious.

As an example, let’s take a person with the good butt trait of confidence. Say that person’s butt grows, creating extra room -- a vacuum, if you will. Because nature abhors a butt vacuum, arrogance can move in and take up the extra space. As a bad butt trait, it will attach itself to the confidence and start its slow takeover. This advances steadily, becoming the personality cancer that is killing Americans’ likability worldwide. (This, of course, is based on the assumption that such likability ever existed.)

See? As I have incontrovertibly proven, the butt is where it all begins, and therefore, as a loyal American who cares about how you are received by others and how well you fit into chairs, I’m issuing this warning to you all right now:

Protect your personality. Protect your butt!

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control will be launching an educational campaign soon, so you’ll be hearing more about the personality-butt relationship.

As I discussed my theory with Hank, we began to rename major literary works to include the word “Butt” in the titles. Here’s what we came up with. You should play along -- it’s fun!

From Hank:
Invisible Butt
Let Us Now Praise Famous Butts
Silent Butt
There Will Be Butt
Butt!
Unsafe at any Butt
Das Butt
All Quiet on the Western Butt
In Search of Lost Butt
The Old Man and the Butt
The Butts of Wrath
The Crying of Butt 49
Butt and Punishment
The Quiet Butt
One Hundred Butts of Solitude
A Butt in August
A Good Butt is Hard to Find
A Farewell to Butt
Remains of the Butt
A Room with a Butt
-- or –
A Butt with a View
Of Human Butt
A Tale of Two Butts
Butt Expectations
Their Eyes Were Watching Butt
Butts from the Underground
A Butt Without Qualities

From me:
Butt in the Time of Cholera
All the King’s Butts
Of Mice and Butts
The Good Butt
The Catcher in the Butt
One Butt in the Life of Ivan Denisovich
War and Butt
For Whom the Butt Tolls
Moby Butt
2001: A Butt Odyssey
The Art of Butt
A Butt Grows in Brooklyn
Remembrance of Butts Past
The Butt Musketeers
A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Butt
Butt of Darkness
Inherit the Butt

Any suggestions? Send them in!