Synergy my ass!

This is a rant against jargon, a manifesto against the bureaucratese and in-speak that obscures, excludes and confuses, and in the end leaves readers scratching their heads, feeling stupid and throwing up their hands in defeat, all while not actually saying anything.

Down with jargon, I say! Down with the tyranny of sentences like this one:

"Rather, it is an attempt to provide the energy necessary to create the synergy that will create the ultimate solution."

I'm sure you're asking the same question I did -- "What the fuck?!"

Exactly.

And the sad thing is, that sentence, and all these examples, have been taken from real life. People actually talk and write this way. Why? Why? I can't understand them, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Well, I say no more! I'm taking a stand. Let me just tell you what I will not do.

I will not "leverage" anything. Why? Because "leverage" is a noun. A person, place or thing. You can have leverage, but you damn well can't turn it into a verb. Who the hell do you think you are, anyway?

I will not "physically and programmatically co-locate" anything. I may put some things together, but there will be no "co-locating" on my watch, physical, programmatical or otherwise.

I will not employ "best practices" of any kind. You can't make me, so don't even try it.

I will not do anything "going forward." I may do things from now on. I may do things in the future. I may even do both. But I will not do them going forward.

And I most certainly will not be "proactive" about anything. Seriously, are you kidding me? For fuck's sake.

I know many of you out there in blogland feel my pain. (Just wait until I get started on cliches.) And so, I solicit your additions to this list. What won't you do? Let me know, and I'll post a follow-up, so we can commiserate.

Now, raise your hand if the word "Luddite" makes you think of someone with a giant ass.